For no reason at all, I’ve decided to create an official, church-wide celebration for the upcoming birthday of a high school freshman. Her last name rhymes with beans. I’m going to hang a bunch of posters saying “Mary Freens (not her real name, obviously) is full of beans” and ask people to fill a fridge box with her picture pasted on it with dry beans for a local food pantry. We’re hoping to collect 100lbs. She’s into the idea, finds it hilarious. Thankfully.

The Pixies are playing the Ryman Auditorium in September. If I didn’t work here, I would go. I do, so I can’t afford it. Fucking job.