I came into church this morning just as the early service was letting out, and I overheard the following:

Was it just me?  Or did Communion taste funny?

Wow.  That grape juice sure was sour this morning.

That’s the last time I’m chewing gum right before the Lord’s Supper.  Woo-wee.

Etc.

After Sunday school was over, I went into the church kitchen to investigate exactly what’d happened to make the Blood of Christ so remarkable.

Memorial Day weekend I’d eaten and drunk astonishing amounts.  By Tuesday, I was feeling the sort of gross 9,000 calories and five daytime drinks tend to produce.   So I’d settled in to eat nothing but raw foods for a couple of days.  I drank a lot of water and herb tea.  And I bought a bottle of 100% cranberry juice.  I had a glass or two and left the rest in the church fridge.

This morning I found my cranberry juice was gone, and a brand new bottle of grape juice in its place.  The sweet older couple who fill the teeny plastic cups with grape juice hadn’t been paying attention, apparently, and used my juice instead of theirs.

I love grape juice, so I will be pouring myself a big glass tomorrow.  That cranberry juice was expensive.

——————–

The person with whom I had this conversation is elderly.  She does not talk this way because she is elderly.  She is neither senile nor hard of hearing.  She is, rather, a contestant for Fox’s hot new summer series America’s Worst Listener. Or could be, if such a thing existed, and it probably will exist, eventually.

How’s your boyfriend?

Pardon me?

Your boyfriend.  You know, that pastor you’re dating.  The one you bring to church sometimes.

Do you mean [redacted]?

I don’t know his name.  That boy you were with last week.

Two weeks ago a close college friend of mine–whom I am not dating and who is not a pastor–came to church with me.  Is that who you mean?

I reckon.  So he’s not your boyfriend?

No.

Do you have a boyfriend?

I’m interviewing a couple of interesting candidates for the position at the moment, but no.

Well, I think you should date that fellow who’s a  pastor.

I literally do not know any single guy my approximate age who is a pastor.

But the one who was with you last Sunday.  He’s a pastor.

He works at a university.

He’s your boyfriend though, right?

No.

Remember! The Bible says do not be unequally yoked!

Okay.

He’s pretty good looking.  You know, for a pastor. Pastors are often pretty funny looking.

Okay.

So how long has he been your boyfriend?



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