I got to work about half an hour late this morning because I had to take my car by the shop to get the, I dunno, flux capacitor worked on. I drove by and picked up the mechanic and then drove to work. I hadn’t intended to have anyone in the front seat and it was piled with reusable water bottles and running clothes in various disreputable states–including one very muddy pair of capris–and two umbrellas. And an empty bag of doritos, lest you think me too virtuous. I apologized as he waited for me to clear it out. Oh, it’s okay, said the man who smelled like stale sweat at 8:15am, it’s no worse than my truck. I feel motivated suddenly to clean out my car.

Yesterday, of course, was Sunday. I went to church. It was Pentecost, and the pastor had wanted everyone to wear red. I wore a vintage shirtwaist dress, black with white polkadots, and red platforms and red jewelry. Where’s your red? You were supposed to wear red he said instead of hello. I said hello in my best petulant teenage voice and held up the string of red beads around my neck. He scowled. I should’ve added that my only red dress is, based on reactions of certain gentlemen, quite slutty.

Sunday morning is like going to work only I don’t actually get paid for it and can’t interrupt the pastor when he digresses, and this is the reason I occasionally skip church. On average, I speak to about nine or ten people who have questions about some activity or another or who have projects they think, rightly or wrongly, I should tackle immediately. Yesterday I swore I’d do something first thing today. Today I couldn’t remember what it was, so I made this list of everyone I’d spoken to.

Finance Chair: likes my shoes, children sermon
Redheaded Woman: doesn’t need to wear red for Pentecost bec. has red hair; needs schedule (done)
Old Man: wants to know when next 5k or other race is; exchanged info on hydration
Music Guy: will do job if reminded; wrote note to same (done); must remind additionally
Chubby Teen: says hi
Attractive 20 yr-old: wants to be work for conservation dept; claims professionally handsome older brother says hi, inexplicably
Very Old Man: wants my input on new youth/kids program; says I don’t “fuck around” and thus will have valuable opinion
Old Woman: doesn’t like my hair; will be by next week with some mystery item she says she’s promised me some time ago????
Pastor’s Wife: wants hug and to remind me to do the same thing I do every single week without fail; gets makeup on my collar.
Short Man: wants meeting minutes typed
Other Redheaded Woman: says she isn’t wearing red, because she also has red hair; wants something included in the bulletin; wants to give me bacon.
Sister: says I have lipstick on teeth; this is true: it’s my lipstick, tho. Unlike makeup on collar. Damn. Must dry clean. Stupid Pastor’s Wife.
Hotsy Totsy Lawyer: wants me to take over teaching his Sunday school class because he is Very Busy and Important–doesn’t ask, tells. Is kind of an ass.
Lawyer’s Meek Wife: needs memory card back.
Lawyer’s Indulged Grandchild: punches me in knee cap, nearly knocks me off shoes, is forced to apologize by Meek Wife
Tedious Woman: has anecdote, possibly about grandchildren or why she hates the president.
Tedious Man: agrees with tedious woman; wonders about next church calendar; has anecdote regarding previous church calendar; needs something typed.
Creepy Man: says I’m doing a good job; has creepy anecdote re: his wife; wonders when he’s supposed to mow lawn; find schedule (done)
Kind Old Man: says I’m one of his favorite people, needs something typed
Music Guy: wants phone call reminder, not email.
Emo Boy: will run projector next week and will take responsibility for Pastor’s Daughter’s Anniversary Surprise; wonders if I’ve heard his band (haven’t)
Emo Boy’s Dad: has prayer request for prayer chain (done)
Music Woman: will remember what Music Guy cannot. (thank God)
Pastor: wonders again why I’m not wearing red; receives eye roll for his trouble (done)

The pastor likes to introduce me as his secretary. I screen his calls, but, honestly, I’m not his secretary. If I were I’d never let him mispronounce “licentious” like he did this week. Four times. I’m the church’s secretary. Sometimes I remind him of this when my ire is up or my vanity is particularly offended. On Sunday mornings, though, I sometimes wish I did work for just the one person.

It’s been nearly 90 degrees all weekend, and the week promises to be as warm. I’m dreaming of a vacation to, oh, anywhere. An open highway and an open car window. Today’s songs of the day are the soundtrack to my itchy (metaphorically, that is) feet.

Advertisements