Yeaaaah. I just talked to the district superintendent. He told me he was born a Baptist and went to a Baptist seminary. It occurred to me he had Baptist hair, which is a thing. I swear. I spent the rest of the conversation trying not to giggle about his hair. It’s very Baptisty.

Did you know that if you begin to the ordination process in one conference of our denomination, you more or less have to stay there until you die or retire? I mean, how would you. I refuse to tell you what denomination it is. Even though I will print excerpts from actual sermons and rough transcripts of conversations. My sense of anonymity is peculiar I realize. In any event, I was just given a little sales talk about living in the midwest until I die.

You know what I like about the midwest? Once I was on a train in Boston and got to thinking about how smart and frumpy looking everyone is there. Tweedy and prone to wearing moonboots. Then I got to thinking about how fat everyone is Dallas, where I lived at the time. I thought to myself how lovely it would be to live in a place where people are both frumpily clad and overweight. People would think me much, much hotter than I actually am, and it would be awesome. Welcome to the rural midwest. I don’t go to Walmart in stretch pants.

Bolloxing bollocks.